Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Harbinger of Doom, otherwise known as my mom

My mother just spent the past 9 days at my house.  She was only supposed to be here 7 but my dad changed his mind about coming to pick her up and we had her 2 extra days.  My mother is a very easy houseguest.  She wants nothing more than to sit on a chair with the tv on at a normal (my dad blares the tv) level and sit and watch tv and read a book.  She eats whatever I make and goes wherever we go with no complaint.  It should be simple, shouldn't it?

But no.  In the past nine days my mom has said:

"You shouldn't pet your dog so much.  Did you know you can get ecoli from your dog?"

"Oh no, don't ever let someone bury you in the sand at the beach, you could get really sick."

"You should never go into a public restrooms.  All sorts of men and rapists hide in the stalls ready to get women."

"Never go to Detroit.  Do you know the white girl slave trade is huge in Detroit and no one talks about it?"

Playing tug with the Raptor "You shouldn't use a string tug with a dog, they can choke on the strings."

Raptor chewing on his bully stick, "Aren't you afraid that's going to get tangled in his intestines?"

E standing on a chair to get something out of her reach, "You know, chairs have been known to just break underneath people."

E rollerblading, "More kids break their bones rollerblading than they do bike riding."

My impending split from the church, "Aren't you afraid Hubby is going to be punished with his next placement if you move?  Aren't you afraid he is going to divorce you?"

"Aren't you afraid that one of those sink holes is going to get you and your car is going to crash to the bottom?'

OH...AND MY FAVORITE, "Aren't you afraid a hawk is going to carry off the Raptor if you leave him alone in the backyard?"  (He's 18 pounds and I live in a pretty urban setting.)

And on, and on, and on.... I really hate the phrase "Aren't you afraid..."


Erica said...

Oh Muddy, my mom does the exact. same. thing. with the added bonus of not even finishing her one worry before jumping right into the next. It's nonstop. I'm so sorry. Maybe it's a midwestern mom thing?

Also, I'm from Detroit. I laughed really hard at that one. Pretty sure the white girl slave trade is the least of their problems :)

FreeDragon said...

I'm sorry.

Chrysalis said...

Why is it the only thing I can remember about your parents is that they always had a full jar of "Kudos" bars on the counter??? Either I blocked it out, or I really REALLY liked the "Kudos" bars!
"Aren't you afraid those 'Kudos' bars will mess up your memory??"
Yes. Yes I am.

Michelle said...

Makes you wonder where your anxiety and E's comes from huh?
I am prone to anxiety and every day try and not put my fear out into my kids lives. One day I hope to break the cycle of fear that has been in our family for generations.

Knikki said...

This post did make me laugh. All mums are the same no matter how old you are you are still only 6 years old in their eyes.

Anonymous said...

Aren't you afraid that cholcoate fountain will hit someone in the head when you drop it out the window? Ah, mothers. Here's to not turning into our own. (Oh, and I would like you to move home now, please. k? thanks)

Gina said...

I wondered where my mother was for 9 days! Seriously - that sounded just like her. With one missing phrase: "They say..." She particularly hates it when I ask exactly who "they" are.