Sunday, May 30, 2010


So as I pulled his car out of the parking lot I turned the wrong way on a one way street. I wasn't drunk, but something about the close proximity to him was kind of muddling my brain and I just couldn't think straight. I am very sensory oriented and he had this most amazing cologne on, plus he wore a dark green winter coat that smelled of fir tree and fireplace smoke, as if he had just been hiking in snowy hills. I know, silly, but I was young and smitten.

It was only a mile to my house but it was 11 miles to his house and his fuel light was blinking E in his car (I would later find out he does this on a regular basis-STILL). I planned on sending him home in a few hours after he had sobered up and knew it was only going to get colder as the night grew on. I didn't want him to have to fill up his gas tank at 2:00 AM in my neighborhood (an iffy place at that time) in the bitter cold, and since I was going the wrong way anyway, I made a stop at the gas station on the corner to insist he get gas.

He reluctantly got out of the car, filled the tank and tucked himself back into the passenger seat. As I was about to put the car into gear, he leaned over and said, "I really want to kiss you right now." I looked into his slightly unfocused drunken eyes, smelled the mixture of cologne and woodsy-ness, heard that deep southern drawl that to this day makes me a little weak, and I swear it felt like the walls of the car closed in on me. I replied, "What's stopping you?" Now I know you are expecting to hear he gave me a big-ol' sloppy drunken slobbery one that made me shove him out of the car. But he didn't. He leaned in very slowly and gave me this "long, slow, deep, soft, wet kiss that lasted three days." I always thought those cheesy romance novels made up the explosions and fireworks when the heroine and her lover kissed for the first time, but I honest to God felt a lightning bolt run through my body and my mind went completely silent for the first time in my life. It was one heck of a first kiss. I knew I was in trouble, but I had also made a promise to him to bring him home for coffee to sober him up.

I crossed my fingers, pulled out of the gas station parking lot and said a silent prayer that my roommates would be home.

To be continued...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

How I Became a Pastor's Wife

As many long-time readers may have already inferred, my relationship with Hubby started out with a bang. I had been working at a bank and a theater and was fairly busy, to say the least. Hubby was a bank customer who spent a lot of time talking with my head teller. I thought he was cute but was really too focused on my acting to act on my attraction.

On his 26th birthday the head teller arranged for all of his employees to meet with all of the tellers at a local restaurant/bar. My best bank friend had just had a horrible break-up with her boyfriend and would only go along if I agreed to stay with her and have a "man-hating night." Of course, knowing how much fun we always had together when she went along, I agreed.

Hubby had a great time and we all bought him drinks and soon he was in no shape to drive home. In his drunkeness he kept following me around and annoying my man-hating friend. We went everywhere throughout the bar trying to escape him, but he was determined. Eventually she could see how attracted to him I was and that she was fighting a losing battle so she left in disgust and I was alone with a very drunk man.

I lived about a mile from the bank where I worked and earlier in the day Hubby had asked me if I would be attending his soiree that night. He knew I walked to work so he asked me how I intended to get home. I said, "Mr. Cota!" (That is the bus system of Columbus.) Had I not been counting money I would have seen the evil glint in Hubby's eye.

Anywho, Hubby was very drunk and in no shape to drive so of course, being the most responsible person in the world that I am, I had to offer to drive his car to my house and give him some coffee to sober up. Who knew that ride would change my life forever?

To be continued....

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Green with envy

When I was in college, the guy I dated on and off for 4 years, the guy whom was the guy before the guy (Hubby) was roommates with a guy whom I shall call Rocky. Rocky was a jerk who was straight, then gay, then straight, then married to a woman who walked the same path he did. So I am not sure what the relationship entails, but I get the feeling it is REALLY open.

Anywho, Rocky and I spent a lot of time in close quarters and we really disliked each other. He was jealous of the time I spent with his roommate and I just thought he was a jerk (did I mention that already?). We both graduated and I thought that would be the last I saw of him. Only he moved to California and began appearing on national commercials. Everytime I see him I have to hold on tight to the remote as I desperately fight the urge to through it threw the tv.

Then I went to see Godzilla and almost had to run screaming from the theater when his 20 foot tall ugly mug appeared on the screen. He's everywhere and very successful and I HATE HIM.

So of course, when he appeared on the guy before the guy's FB status page I had to lurk and see what he was up to. Do you know what he is up to? He is up to being friends with Nathan Fillion! I love Nathan Fillion. The show Castle is eye candy for me and my Hubby! I like Fillion and Hubby gets to see that Stana Katic woman. Everybody is happy. Until now. Now when I watch that show all I will see is Nathan and Rocky smiling over beer. ARGHHHH!!!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Balancing Act

First things first. I have struck a new low as a pastor's wife. I had my yearly mammogram today (I have lumpy breasts so I started early). When I walked out of the back area into the lobby, a church member was sitting there waiting for her turn. I stopped to politely chit chat when she started tellng me about the large lump she had. Then she stood up, grabbed my hand, said "Feel this!" and placed my hand directly against her breast. It all happened so fast that I was left speechless and touching another woman inappropriately. I yanked my hand back quickly as the woman went on about the history of the lump and I smiled politely, but all I could think was "MY GOD!!!! She made me touch her breast! ACK!!!" I have had to listen to a lot of gross personal information from people, but that crossed the line.

Then I went back to the chiropractor. He essentially said that in 25 years as a chiropractor no one had ever complained that an adjustment hurt, that I must have a low-threshhold for pain and that I misinterpreted his comment yesterday about the pain and back surgery. He even went so far as to say that I didn't really feel the pain that I was complaining about. He asked if I was mad at him since I was so intense and I said yes, plus I am now terrified of having another adjustment. At that point he told me he did not want to continue having me as his patient. I asked for my records and that was it. That man was the most pompous arrogant asshole and doesn't deserve my money!

But I bet a lot of you thought I wasn't going to stand up for myself, didn't you? Truthfully I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it, but I am spending a lot of money in therapy TO stand up for myself, so I figured I better do it. Only I need to find a middle ground. I was so angry and upset that I was teary in his office which made me look and feel weak. Now that I am starting to let people know when I feel wronged by them, I have to find a way not to just erupt with my anger. I'm sure the chiropractor thought I was just another hysterical woman.

So all in all, while I am sorry that happened to me and I need to get to the point where I don't fall apart when I get intimidated; I did take care of me in this case, even if I was teary because I was so mad. I took care of me. I take that as a victory. I'm just sorry it had to hurt so bad at the time.

Monday, May 3, 2010


I was going to blog today about the man at church yesterday who sat down with me to tell me what a bad pastor the church once had and how ungracious the pastor was when he didn't get a raise one year. Of course, the pastor ran a lot of people off from the church because he was a blankety blank blank indian (a tribe only found in my state so I can't tell you the name.) And all of the people from that tribe are crooks...not a good one in the bunch. This from a man who considers himself the most pious of Christians. Lord, protect me from your people.

But instead I have a question. I started chiropractic treatment today. I figured if I was going to take care of my emotional pain, it was time to take care of my physical pain, too. Maybe my physical pain is part of what is keeping me fat. So today was the first treatment and the two adjustments the doctor made almost killed me at the moment they were done. I'm talking white hot pain searing through my head and back causing me to almost pass out. When I told the doctor how much it hurt, he said "but a little pain now is better than the pain from surgery." I was in tears when I went to pay and the desk person told him and he called and left a message later telling me he would talk to me at my appointment tomorrow.

Has anyone else had a similar start to chiropractic treatment? Did it work out in the end? Is this doctor going to paralyze me?

Opinions please.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Little Red Deliciousness

I have lived in the South for 23 of my 40 years. Granted, I've lived in many different southern places, but I have been here. While I have lived here, I have heard of people eating squirrel, kudzu, nutrea, ham so salted it dehydrates you on the spot and tea so sweet it brings on diabetic comas just looking at it. I thought I had heard of everything.

But yesterday I got a surprise. Yesterday my next door neighbor brought over this jar of pickles, only they weren't green like normal pickles, they were red. I had never ever heard of red pickles. These were cinnamon pickles. Now I don't know about you, but the thought of eating a cinnamon flavored cucumber didn't really appeal to me, but as my 8 year old daughter was willing to taste it and I am constantly trying to get my preschoolers to discover new foods, I felt compelled to try one.

And you know was GOOD!!!! So good I might actually become addicted to them. I looked on the ingredient label to see what they were made with and do you know what gives them their flavor? Red Hot candies. Now I have heard of everything!

But....I have three cucumbers plants growing in my garden and six canning jars left over from a craft project. I might just have to make me some of them DEE-licious Red Hot Pickles.

PS: To Melissa-I keep thinking back to your comment on my Choose to be Happy story. You're going to think this is strange, but when I read it I just felt like giving you a big hug and telling you everything is going to work out. I don't know if it is going to be the way you expect it to, but it will work out! People can be unintentionally cruel to couples with fertility problems, so rise above it.