I haven't posted because my life went from 30mph to 180mph in 3 days flat. That and my parents are here, so I have to sneak peeks at my blog. Also, I am the type of person who can't write anything if something else is stuck in my head and insisting on coming out. Something happened the other day that I have to share but I have been too embarrassed to. But I figure this has happened to other people, so....
Something happened to me after my post in which I railed against the non-radical liberals. It was almost as if that labeling and anonymous email set me free. Before, I think I might have held out some sliver of hope that I could make this life work. I love all of my kids, both preschool and theater. My theater, in fact, was just recognized by the state arts council as being the premiere new program for kids. I'm working my ass off for little pay, but I love what I am doing. I just hate the church and my lack of friends.
But that condemning email just struck home that my family does not belong here. And finally admitting failure at being able to bloom where I am planted cleared the board for me to be able to realize something else about myself. These past two weeks I have been more "ME" then I have been in years. I have joked with strangers, I have laughed with my kids, I have stopped holding on to all my anger and anxiety at this situation that we are in. I even realized I no longer sit there and tell myself I am not qualified to be directing shows and teaching kids. The State Arts Council says I am. Having a kid on Disney's short list says I am. Even all my former 4-6th graders who are now in college and getting cast in their college plays as freshman say I am. All four who have pursued theater have emailed me and told me what I taught them has made all the difference.
I don't know if it is the therapy, or the working out, or just turning 40 finally (it hung over me so long), but I am feeling...normal...calm...qualified. So with this newfound me-ness, I wanted to do something a little different. For many years I have struggled with the fact that I am no longer sexy, or sexual really. It's hard to feel sexual when you don't like yourself. That's the hardest thing about getting older to me. Men don't notice me. And sometimes I transfer that feeling onto Hubby and I imagine having sex with me is a little like having sex with a stifled school marm sometimes.
So one night after he had fallen asleep and it was past midnight, I woke him up for a little midnight nookie. I think men find being woken up sexy and I wanted to try it. We started....um....nookifying and I got into it and tried not to, how should I say it, censor myself. Aw, hell....I got a little loud. Apparently so loud I woke E up. She called my name and of course, I had to stop and go to her because it seemed that my "sounds" had scared her. I told her I had just had a bad dream and that she should go back to sleep. I was mortified and it was made worse by the fact that for the first time in a long time I had tried to be sexy and I was denied. Obviously the Universe doesn't think I should be wild and amorous anymore.
But this whole situation was made worse by my conversation with E in the morning as I was walking her to school. She's 8. She's starting to hear about sex through her friends but she is still very innocent. She had questions. "Mommy, are you sure you just had a nightmare? It sounded like you were exercising." And then she started to imitate the sounds I had been making. I NEVER EVER AGAIN WANT TO HEAR MY CHILD MAKING THOSE SOUNDS!!!! And I am never having sex again. I will just go back to my school marm status and Hubby can find a little piece on the side.
Good lord, I can't believe I am actually posting this.