Monday, February 22, 2010

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Therapy

So....I have been in therapy for about 10 weeks now. I have to say I really hate it. It's painful, creates horrible turmoil in my soul and I'm pretty sure it is producing anxiety which is causing my chest pain (my doctor's office rescheduled my appointment for today because my dr. is sick-another week's wait). BUT...and this is a big BUT....I do think it is helping.

Dealing with my issues has helped me curb my sneak eating. I haven't gone through a fast food drive thru in over a month. When I go to a sit-down restuarant, I don't order more than I actually want. If I do get more than I can eat, I box it up or push the plate away. I know for normal eaters that sounds silly, but for people like me, it's monumentally huge. I'm not going to make my 40x40 goal, but I might make 20x40. And I am okay with that.

Therapy has also helped me realize just how much I hide myself from people. I wear big, baggy clothes and just pull my hair back into a ponytail, or at least, I did. But, as part of trying to push myself and overcome some negative emotions, I went out and bought a few outfits that actually fit and are fitted. Hubby saw me in one of the tucked at the waist shirts I bought and had to recover quickly before he said something that hurt my feelings, like "OMG, you DO have a waist." No, he didn't say it, but I can read his mind and I know he thought it.

So, here I am, making progress, taking tiny steps and I think to myself, it's time to do something about my hair. I use my all one-length, thick, coarse hair to hide a lot from people. It covers my face and no one can see what I think or feel. When I was a teenager, it was long, thick and perfectly straight. There was no curl or bounce in it whatsoever. But then I got pregnant and a crazy little thing called hormones took over and suddenly my already thick hair got got wavy. It became impossible to style or tame. No amount of hair gel, mousse or shellac would keep it in place.

What to do...what to do? I decided the healing me needed to do something about my hair. I scheduled an appointment with the woman who cuts my family's hair and I told her I needed to try something new. She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled it this way and that. We both agreed we had no idea what was going to happen when she cut it and got some of the weight off. But I told her I didn't care what happened, I had to try something, anything. So, she suggested we try long layers and cutting it to my shoulders. Okay, I took a deep breath and we proceeded.

Only things didn't go as planned. That hormone induced wave that we thought would be more pronounced when cut wasn't. It stayed exactly the same. The cute bangs she tried to create didn't go the way she wanted, even with hair cement and 20 minutes of blow-drying. The little flip she cut into the bottom part flipped, but the hair above it bowed and it really looked distorted. When all was said and done, all she could do was apologize. Even she thought it looked bad. Sadly, it is too short to really fix without making it worse, so I just have to let it grow out. So much for trying to improve my appearance.

But even this is okay. I tried. Hair grows out and now I know that my hair is supposed to be all one length. Only when it does finally grow out, I am not going to let it define me or hide me. I'm going to wear it like a crown...a very hairy crown. But let that be a lesson to people starting the hair for last.


Jenn said...

Have you tried straightening it with a good flat iron? My sedu changed my life, no joke. I think one of my roommates has an extra floating around if you're interested...

Anonymous said...

Clips and barrettes can be cute and fashionable and help a multitude of hair badness. Also, time to get a new cutter. You may like her personally, but any stylist worth their scissors knows what happens to hair BEFORE it happens. I have curls galore and I know from bad haircuts.

/ dw

charli-tan said...

Yeah, I"m with DW. When I decided ages ago to get my hair cut, I went to a high end place. Now Muddy, you know me and my hair angst. It must stay LONG. And why is this? Because everyone who knows me as you do KNOWS that if my bouffy hair is cut short, I will look like a triangle. The craptastic hari chick insisted that she had hair like mine and that she could cut it and it would look like her tight little poodle cut. Not so, said I! My hair, will look like an unruly pom pom on top of my tiny tiny head! She disagreed and refused to cut my hair!
I flounced out and went to Fabulous Gay Dave after a frantic phone call to a friend. FGD took one look at my hair, knew what it would do, cut it appropriately keeping it long, gave me a shampoo recommendation and I left with supercute flippy awesome hair and most important, I did NOT look like a triangle!
Wait a minute, what were we talking about?

Paige said...

we sound a lot alike with the hiding and the eating. you are doing great though! good for you!

The hair will grow. i have insanely curly hair that looks better if I air dry it instead of making any attempt at all to do something with it. Thank goodness, because it saves a lot of time.

Anonymous said...

You are brave! I wish I could get back into therapy and know the longer I don't the harder, or more impossible it will be.
Hair! Ugh! I don't know what to do with it!