So....I have been in therapy for about 10 weeks now. I have to say I really hate it. It's painful, creates horrible turmoil in my soul and I'm pretty sure it is producing anxiety which is causing my chest pain (my doctor's office rescheduled my appointment for today because my dr. is sick-another week's wait). BUT...and this is a big BUT....I do think it is helping.
Dealing with my issues has helped me curb my sneak eating. I haven't gone through a fast food drive thru in over a month. When I go to a sit-down restuarant, I don't order more than I actually want. If I do get more than I can eat, I box it up or push the plate away. I know for normal eaters that sounds silly, but for people like me, it's monumentally huge. I'm not going to make my 40x40 goal, but I might make 20x40. And I am okay with that.
Therapy has also helped me realize just how much I hide myself from people. I wear big, baggy clothes and just pull my hair back into a ponytail, or at least, I did. But, as part of trying to push myself and overcome some negative emotions, I went out and bought a few outfits that actually fit and are fitted. Hubby saw me in one of the tucked at the waist shirts I bought and had to recover quickly before he said something that hurt my feelings, like "OMG, you DO have a waist." No, he didn't say it, but I can read his mind and I know he thought it.
So, here I am, making progress, taking tiny steps and I think to myself, it's time to do something about my hair. I use my all one-length, thick, coarse hair to hide a lot from people. It covers my face and no one can see what I think or feel. When I was a teenager, it was long, thick and perfectly straight. There was no curl or bounce in it whatsoever. But then I got pregnant and a crazy little thing called hormones took over and suddenly my already thick hair got worse...it got wavy. It became impossible to style or tame. No amount of hair gel, mousse or shellac would keep it in place.
What to do...what to do? I decided the healing me needed to do something about my hair. I scheduled an appointment with the woman who cuts my family's hair and I told her I needed to try something new. She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled it this way and that. We both agreed we had no idea what was going to happen when she cut it and got some of the weight off. But I told her I didn't care what happened, I had to try something, anything. So, she suggested we try long layers and cutting it to my shoulders. Okay, I took a deep breath and we proceeded.
Only things didn't go as planned. That hormone induced wave that we thought would be more pronounced when cut wasn't. It stayed exactly the same. The cute bangs she tried to create didn't go the way she wanted, even with hair cement and 20 minutes of blow-drying. The little flip she cut into the bottom part flipped, but the hair above it bowed and it really looked distorted. When all was said and done, all she could do was apologize. Even she thought it looked bad. Sadly, it is too short to really fix without making it worse, so I just have to let it grow out. So much for trying to improve my appearance.
But even this is okay. I tried. Hair grows out and now I know that my hair is supposed to be all one length. Only when it does finally grow out, I am not going to let it define me or hide me. I'm going to wear it like a crown...a very hairy crown. But let that be a lesson to people starting therapy...save the hair for last.