If you make it through this whole post, you are going to feel like you are on a wild ride of rambling, but it all ties together, I promise.
I screen my phone calls. I admit it, I do. I hate talking to people on the phone, but I especially hate talking to church people who are calling for Hubby. I feel like these calls are sneak attacks; asking me about bible verses, other people's business or demanding to know where he is because they need to talk to him NOW!
That being said, I am a person who very much believes that I am in this world to change it. I may not have the religious conviction I need to be a good pastor's wife, but I do want to help people who are truly in need. So sometimes I really do feel like Hubby's call to ministry was also answering a call I had to be more than just a couch potato.
Hubby and I are both in a pattern of dis-ease right now (not disease, dis-ease). Hubby really isn't happy here at this church. He doesn't like the music director (who relishes being the devil's advocate in every situation) and he is still bristling about not getting a raise this year, even though he was promised by the head Poobah that he would get one. The church didn't take into account that when they accepted Hubby, they moved OUR family and my income got cut by half. We are making less this year together than we have made in several years. He also doesn't like being in such a small town. We run into church people no matter where we go. So I am not sure whether he can make this church grow or not because he always has this little layer of dissatisfaction coloring everything he does. No one else senses it, but I live with him.
I have to admit, I am scared about the money situation. We still don't have the money to pay his taxes. Everytime I have put money away, a car breaks down, teeth crack, something comes up. But I try to put that worry aside. We always manage. We get it together somehow.
So this week something happened. Well, not just this week, but a flashpoint occured this week. I have a new boss with my theater job. I also have a unique skill set in this town, having owned my own arts-in-education theater. My new boss wants me to revive my theater and start taking it into the schools under the arts council umbrella. I wouldn't be my own boss with it, but I would have the guarantee of income because he already has the grant money that he needs to pay me. I would be working with the director of the adult theater so things wouldn't rely solely on me.
Do I like this idea? I don't know. My therapy session this week was all about how I eat to punish my parents and keep people at bay who think I should be doing more with my talent than I do (okay, that's the simplistic answer, it was much more complicated than that.) I like the idea to a point, but I am also scared. I had to perform with pneumonia, drive through tornadoes, worry about so many things. Do I want that again?
Which takes me back to the call. See, I told you I would tie this all together. I have really felt lately like I am supposed to be doing something more important. Not grandiose and money-making, but more important in the fact that I want to help people. I had always wanted to use my theater as a way to help kids learn. I had a goal in my theater's business plan to take my theater for a summer tour through the most poverty stricken part of my state and do my shows, handing out free books and working with the "Fill the Backpack" ministry to hand out food. It's something I felt very strongly about. When I closed my theater I put that aside.
But here comes my boss, asking me a favor and I wonder "Is this a sign?" Is this a calling? But what about Hubby? I really don't see us staying here for more than two years. Do I agree to do this and start it all up, only to leave once it just starts going? And Hubby's job has to come first. He makes the bulk of the money. But I also wonder if he wouldn't be so unhappy here if I were making more money and we didn't have to worry every year about coming up with the $7,000.00 to pay our taxes.
It's all a conundrum. What do you do when both you and the person you love both HAVE to answer a call? Which call becomes more important when they are both for the greater good? Do I even want to ANSWER the phone at this time, knowing how much I hate talking to people? Or do I just want to let the line ring busy?