First, I have to tell you what happened today. I have been bartering one of my skills with someone who has something I want for Hubby for Christmas (remember, I can only spend $15). Well, the woman I was bartering with told me she thought this $15 thing was just being stingy. That took me back a step. I never once considered this odyssey we are taking as stingy. In fact, it is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. Up until that moment I was having fun coming up with truly meaningful gifts that came from the heart and not my wallet. Have we lost our sense of Christmas so much that people think that you can't love someone unless you lavish them with gifts you can't afford? That's just sad. Just a 100 years ago kids were happy to get an orange and a corn husk doll as their total Christmas. Oh well, I refuse to consider myself stingy.
Second, as many of you have been reading for a while know and have probably figured out from my last few posts, I am once again spiraling into my depression mode. I take heart in the fact that this is the longest I have gone in my adult life in between "episodes" and my therapist told me to expect it to happen right now especially, so I was warned. But it doesn't make it easier.
I've noticed my posts about my obsessive need to do everything get the most hits and the most comments. Many of you can't understand why I just can't say no to things and just let things fall between the cracks. I don't either. That's part of the reason I am in therapy. In fact, one anonymous commenter suggested: How do you let things go undone? Just don't do them. You will find out that the world doesn't fall apart. I suggest taking just one day at a time. The first day, don't make the bed. Find out the world still functions. Then maybe the next day try something else. You will feel such a great relief to realize that not everything has to get done! That comment alone almost sent me into a panic attack. Things that don't get done weigh on me until I obsess so much about them I get out of bed at 2:00 AM to take care of it. So just saying "don't do it" isn't the answer for me.
But I hear what you all are saying. I want to get to the point where I say no. I do...really. I did say no to something. We were going to have some new church members over for lunch this Saturday and I just said I couldn't do it. I couldn't do the cleaning, cooking and preparing that that would entail. I am trying to change...it's just not easy.
So if anyone has anything more than "just don't do it", I'm listening. I think I am just a worse case than you think I am, because I also justify my actions by saying "what's wrong with being in control and responsible?" Anywho, I ask that you bear with me over the next few weeks because I suspect my next few posts will be about this subject as I mull over why I am the way I am. But I bet there are more than a few of you who are walking the same road I am, so maybe, just maybe, me talking about it will help you this season.
Oh, and Assassin, I miss you, too. I still haven't made any real, kick you in the shins when you are down to get you up kind of friends. I think that is part of my problem right now.
Lastly, my malignant cough seems to be releasing its hold on me. The death rattle is now just a wee little wheeze. Hopefully getting my health back and being able to exercise again will help, too.