Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I Know How I Don't Want to End Up....

My therapist must be able to read my mind. Either that or she has found my blog. She called last night to remind me about my 9:00 AM appointment today. I didn't have a 9:00 AM appointment today but I needed one, so I went.

The past 4 days I have been suffering from near heart-attack conditions. I have had tightness in my chest, pain in my neck and jaw, light-headedness and severe anxiety about the physical symptoms. I knew it was anxiety and panic, but I couldn't figure out why it was unending. It never let up unless I was completely absorbed in something I was doing.

It got worse when I went to bed or if I let myself wallow in my bed. I've really been struggling with wanting to just cocoon myself in my room and escaping from reality. But when I would do that, the anxiety would become worse. I was hopeless.

But remember a while ago when I said my mom used to disappear into her room for days? I am determined not to do that to my daughter. So my body was panicking because it needed to rest with everything I have been doing, but I couldn't rest because I was going through a depressive stage and flashbacked to my days with my mom. I was in a vicious cycle and couldn't figure out for myself that it was my PTSD. As soon as my therapist told me it was a PTSD attack and not just a panic attack, the pain lessened and I could breathe again. I was floored. I should have known. But I guess that's why I am in therapy.

Anyway, while I was in with her, her business phone kept going off over and over again. She usually lets it go to voicemail, but the caller was so insistent she checked it. I could tell it was someone in crisis but also someone who tries very hard to keep her on the phone talking. You know the kind of person I am talking about. They get you on the phone and then won't let you hang up? Anywho, she told the person her 10:00 had cancelled and she could come then.

When I was done I left and walked out to see the person seated in the waiting area. I was floored. It was a woman, a very large woman with wild hair and lots of make-up. None of that is what floored me. I am used to that, it's called the South. But what I couldn't get over was the blanket on the woman's chest. Or should I say, what was going on UNDER the blanket. The woman was talking to blanket as if she was nursing a child. Having breast fed for 16 months I took a furtive glance, I didn't want to gawk at her, but I wanted to see the baby. ONLY IT WASN'T A BABY!!!!! The woman was trying to nurse a DOG!!!!

There's very few people who make me speechless. I have been a pastor's wife for so long I have dealt with all kinds of people in all walks of life. But this woman nursing her dog just disturbed me to no end. Maybe because with each therapy session I am realizing just how damaged I am. Maybe I know that if I didn't have a supportive husband and loving daughter I might end up walking a very similar road. I didn't feel pity for her, just horror that something so horrible had happened to cause her to need to nurse that dog. I hope my therapist can help her.

I love my raptor and for all his struggles I would do almost anything for him....But I won't do that!


charli-tan said...

I need a new career. I am not disturbed at all by that lady. Just another day at the job...

I am, however, worried about you. Which maybe sound like you are worse off than dog-mom! that's not what I mean. I just care more about you!

So hang in there! GOOSH!

Also, I am a x-mas card loser this year so MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're damaged; you just need to work through some things.

My depression had a strong anxiety component, the PTSD makes sense, many people have issues around the holiday season.

It's supposed to be this happy joyful time with wonderful memories, but for many people it isn't. Not only can't you live up to the Hallmark expectations, but you have crappy memories to deal with as well.

So that adds a nice patina of anxiety and guilt and you feel like something is wrong with you.

Take some time for yourself!


floridagirl said...

It's such a weird time of year- I've been crying for the past 2 days off and on for no apparent reason- or I should say for no reason that is logical. Got some meds for the sinus infection that I've been battling so perhaps that will help as I've had a constant headache for a week. I keep having memories of Christmas' past- good and bad. Our Dad died right after Christmas last year and that may have something to do with it- even when folks leave you on bad terms, it's still a little hard to take sometimes.
I will keep you in my thoughts even though I don't know you personally- it's got to get better and 2010 has GOT to be a better year for all.

catherine said...

Good Lord, Thats how I keep my sanity. No matter how fucked up I am, It helps to know that there are people worse off than me.

When you feel like you are getting to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. I will be thinking of you over the holidays. I absolutely hate this time of the year, and I can't wait til it is over.
Take care,