My therapist must be able to read my mind. Either that or she has found my blog. She called last night to remind me about my 9:00 AM appointment today. I didn't have a 9:00 AM appointment today but I needed one, so I went.
The past 4 days I have been suffering from near heart-attack conditions. I have had tightness in my chest, pain in my neck and jaw, light-headedness and severe anxiety about the physical symptoms. I knew it was anxiety and panic, but I couldn't figure out why it was unending. It never let up unless I was completely absorbed in something I was doing.
It got worse when I went to bed or if I let myself wallow in my bed. I've really been struggling with wanting to just cocoon myself in my room and escaping from reality. But when I would do that, the anxiety would become worse. I was hopeless.
But remember a while ago when I said my mom used to disappear into her room for days? I am determined not to do that to my daughter. So my body was panicking because it needed to rest with everything I have been doing, but I couldn't rest because I was going through a depressive stage and flashbacked to my days with my mom. I was in a vicious cycle and couldn't figure out for myself that it was my PTSD. As soon as my therapist told me it was a PTSD attack and not just a panic attack, the pain lessened and I could breathe again. I was floored. I should have known. But I guess that's why I am in therapy.
Anyway, while I was in with her, her business phone kept going off over and over again. She usually lets it go to voicemail, but the caller was so insistent she checked it. I could tell it was someone in crisis but also someone who tries very hard to keep her on the phone talking. You know the kind of person I am talking about. They get you on the phone and then won't let you hang up? Anywho, she told the person her 10:00 had cancelled and she could come then.
When I was done I left and walked out to see the person seated in the waiting area. I was floored. It was a woman, a very large woman with wild hair and lots of make-up. None of that is what floored me. I am used to that, it's called the South. But what I couldn't get over was the blanket on the woman's chest. Or should I say, what was going on UNDER the blanket. The woman was talking to blanket as if she was nursing a child. Having breast fed for 16 months I took a furtive glance, I didn't want to gawk at her, but I wanted to see the baby. ONLY IT WASN'T A BABY!!!!! The woman was trying to nurse a DOG!!!!
There's very few people who make me speechless. I have been a pastor's wife for so long I have dealt with all kinds of people in all walks of life. But this woman nursing her dog just disturbed me to no end. Maybe because with each therapy session I am realizing just how damaged I am. Maybe I know that if I didn't have a supportive husband and loving daughter I might end up walking a very similar road. I didn't feel pity for her, just horror that something so horrible had happened to cause her to need to nurse that dog. I hope my therapist can help her.
I love my raptor and for all his struggles I would do almost anything for him....But I won't do that!