Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Take No Prisoners

For those of you who actually keep track of the things I mention, I wanted to let you now I DID make it to my therapy session on Nov. 3rd. I didn't know if I was going to or not...it was the scariest thing I have ever done. But I made it. The jury is still out on whether I am glad I did or not.

The whole thing keeping me out of therapy was the knowledge that I would have to sit down and tell someone my life story. Sure, I do it here all the time for the 200 or so strangers who are interested in my quirks. But to sit down and talk about all the things that have happened to me to someone whose job it it to work through that quagmire? Well, it was overwhelming. And I was afraid of the therapist's response. I knew what it would be. Sure enough, she said exactly, verbatim, what I was most afraid of. She said "You sure have been through a lot of trauma in your life." And that was just the session where she took some personal history. There were things we didn't have time to touch on. What's she going to say when she knows I found a dead body? Or my best friend died in childbirth?

But the fact that my worst fear came true and I didn't shrivel up and blow away means that I am strong enough to do this. It's going to be a painful, take no prisoners, gut-wrenching experience, but I can do this.

I will say it has made me very lonely. I have superficial friends here in CountryTime, but no one I can rush to and lean on to help me through this. Something very devastating and mortifying happened to my daughter yesterday and there was no one I could share it with. The open wound left behind by taking off the band-aid just made it all that much more glaring. But I know that will come with time.

I doubt I will be talking much about my therapy. I'd rather rant and rave and share the ups and downs of the pastoral world...I did just want you to know, though.

6 comments:

Yankee said...

Love your writing! Best of luck with getting what you need from therapy.

Anonymous said...

When I first talked with a therapist her mouth dropped open and she looked so upset I felt really bad for her. Therapy can help a lot if you're willing to put in the effort, which involves more than just telling. I like to read "Everyone Needs Therapy" she helps me get a different perspective on things.
Desert Dweller

Anonymous said...

You'll be glad you went through it when you come out the other side.

~Tamjenic

Charli-tan said...

You'll be ok.

Move back to (place where we are from) :-)

What happened to E? Email me, I am worried.

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I send you virtual hugs. Therapy is always hard when you seriously want to know what makes you tick. It is a very rewarding experience when you learn the tools to keep yourself healthy and learn how to deal with the trauma of the past. I know it has brought me closer to who I feel I am inside than what others want and expect me to be.

I don't envy you being a pastor's spouse. My family (mother, sister, niece, nephew) is close friends with a pastor's family and the church and congregants drive me crazy.

E has good, strong parents. She will make it.

/ dw

Anonymous said...

Just make sure that you really trust and like your therapist and if you don't CHANGE! You don't need someone to give you pat answers which you are already expecting. That's not going to help. In fact, there are several other responses to your life story which I can think of which might have been more open-ended such as "What do you think was the hardest thing?" or "What sticks with you the most?" or any number of other responses. The best counselors I know rarely sum up anything for the person. One of my favorite lines is "How is that working for you?"