Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Man before the Man

Several days ago I was accused by another pastor's wife of being unloving and discourteous towards Hubby on Facebook because I posted a nightmare he had and closed with "Why can't my husband just have the normal "naked in front of the congregation" dreams that other pastors have?" It was totally meant to be tongue-in-cheek and even Hubby didn't take offense to me posting it. But when she said that, my feelings were hurt and I removed the offending comment from the FB because I never want to appear as if I don't love my Hubby. I love my Hubby fiercely and would never purposely hurt him. He does read this blog and sometimes I accidentally say things that may hurt him or cut too close, but it is never out of spite. That being said, I had this really weird dream last night about another man and I wanted to share.

In my life I have had a total of 4 real relationships. One was the asshole from college who spent me into a tailspin when he friended me on FB recently, one was a really nice guy for whom I was the rebound girl, one was Hubby and just was. He was the man for whom there was no title or explanation, so we'll just call him Norm. For the entire 4 years of my college experience, he was always my fallback guy. He was my "friend with benefits." He was my protector during rough times and the man who would keep me grounded when I started to fall. He was everything and all things to me, but we couldn't be together. He just didn't have the same feelings for me that I had for him. We tried...he tried, but we were just not good together.

Several years back Hubby and I were going through some really rough times. I am a very high need person (like you couldn't tell THAT!) Hubby was in seminary and working for a church and I was struggling under the weight of the church from hell and being a new mom. We stopped communicating and I became very lonely and needed to feel like someone cared about me. So I looked up Norm on the computer. I emailed him out of the blue after 10 years of being apart and we commenced to catch up via email. It felt so good to have that attention again. I knew I would never do anything more than email him, but I still felt guilty and told Hubby that I had contacted Norm and why. It was that emotional affair thing rearing its ugly head. But Hubby and I worked things out and Norm receded back into my distant past again and all was well.

Until this morning....for some reason I had a dream about Norm. And wasn't a dirty dream (get your heads out of the gutters), it was just a dream about a day we had spent together when we were in college. I woke up completely confused and exhausted. In my dream all of those feelings had come rushing back and upon waking it took me a few minutes to shake them off. I felt guilty and couldn't go back to sleep for several hours. Why did I have that dream? I figure there are probably several reasons.

The easy out reason is that Hubby has been too busy for me lately and I am feeling lonely again. That would put all of the blame on Hubby (not that I did anything wrong by having a DREAM) and help assuage my guilt. But I think the real reason is that I am so emotionally off-balance right now I'm struggling in my mind to get back the me who was the true me. Norm only knew the true me. Except for Hubby, he's one of the last people to know that person. Does anybody else ever feel that, like somehow you got off course with your life and lost yourself, but then when you actually started to find yourself it's scarier than being who you had become and you try to hide in the past? Did anybody understand that run-on sentence?

Strange things have been happening here. I haven't had to put out a single resume and I have 3 jobs! I got lousy stinking drunk the other night with a church member (sorry again about that drunken comment, WL!), something I am not proposing I do all the time, but still, everyone needs to be allowed to let loose sometime and I haven't let myself do that in a while. Things are cheaper here so we're not dirt poor. People know my name instead of just calling me "Hubby's wife." CountryTime is a time warp and I feel like I am being hit hard by a mid-life crisis in reverse. And then I had that dream.

Hmm...I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish with this post. I guess this is just one of this "is there anybody else out there who feels this way?" kind of thing. But that's all I have today. I'm sure in a few days I'll be able to regale you with tales of my new PUPPY!


Jeannie said...

I have many strange dreams too. Heaven only knows how they come up. They often seem so poignant that they must mean something. But perhaps they don't. A little wishful thinking, a little deja vu and the brain serves up a little movie we might enjoy.

Anonymous said...

They say dreams of other people often relate more to an aspect of yourself that you are addressing in a need to become of aware of a deficit in your life. I think you're falling into my own trap of 'things are too good and I'm waiting for disaster to kick me because of it' feeling. I hate it in myself, but if life is going too smooth, I panic into full blown attacks of fear that paralyzes me.

Charli-tan said...

"is there anybody else out there who feels this way?"


Anonymous said...

I don't really remember many of my dreams anymore. Sometimes dreams have an obvious meaning, but sometimes, maybe, a dream is just a dream.

I used to have a recurring tidal wave dream, where the I was scrambling for higher ground, but I could never outrun the water. After I got out of my miserable first marriage, I no longer had that dream.

When I was struggling with anxiety, I learned that fighting it and obsessing about things in general made it worse.

Instead of pouring over the past and worrying about the future, it might be helpful to try for a bit to just live in the moment. I think I've said it before, life is about the journey, not the destination.


Bubblewench said...

Yes, i totally understood your run on sentenace and you are not the only one who feels that way.