Something is wrong with me, but I just can't quite put my finger on it.
When Hubby and I went away Memorial Day weekend, we got to talking about how much I used to do for others, or should I say, how much I planned and carried out for others. I organized a teen lock-in at Pop. 259 in the snake gym (I didn't know about the snake then), I planned a fall festival at our first church and also at our second church. I organized a neighborhood luminary event at Christmas. I was actually outgoing and willing to do stuff. Hubby didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but as we were talking he commented on how much I've changed. The way it came out meant "...in a bad way." I was silent for a few minutes as I ruminated on that. I have changed, I know I have. But our last church just destroyed me and when we came back to this church, where the people already knew and accepted me (for the most part) I hid my light, so to speak, soothing my open wounds. Only my light never came back on.
About a year ago I tried very hard to live my life by saying yes to things instead of no. I was fairly happy doing it, even though it took me completely out of my comfort zone and Hubby seemed genuinely happy with me, as I was with myself. But then I started working at this school and just got the living daylights thrashed out of my soul. All of my momentum just wasted away and I retreated into myself again.
But lately, as we have been contemplating and preparing for our move and my days at this school become numbered, something has been happening to me. I have no job, no job prospects, a church that seems like they are just going to swarm and overtake my family and I'm leaving behind some really good friends. But still...I have this feeling. I have this sensation of pressure pushing up and out of my chest, kind of like the grinch when his heart grew big. It's a real physical feeling and I think it might be...hope. It's been so long since I have felt it that I am a little lost and unsure. But I just feel like this move is going to change so many things for me and release me from so many things. It's a little overwhelming.
So once again I have started trying to say yes instead of no. Hubby read my last post about the married man and made an alarmed comment. He looked at me and, with his hands up in the air, said, "Wait, is that why you have been so nice and loving towards me lately? Because you've been thinking about him?" Once again I was hurt. I was really just trying to be more open and make a change, but the fact that Hubby thought I could only be nice because I was feeling guilty or fantasizing about another man really cut me to the core. I reallly have fallen far. But no more.
I guess it is like my guitar. I have wanted it for so long. I see it everyday even though I only have time to practice once or twice a week. But it is there, waiting for me to make the choice to pick it up and fulfill a dream. I can let it sit in the corner and get hopelessly out of tune or I can let it fill my soul and make me happy. Maybe it will even let me sing again.
I guess it all boils down to this-what happens next in my life is up to me. The choice is mine.