Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Something is wrong with me

Something is wrong with me, but I just can't quite put my finger on it.

When Hubby and I went away Memorial Day weekend, we got to talking about how much I used to do for others, or should I say, how much I planned and carried out for others. I organized a teen lock-in at Pop. 259 in the snake gym (I didn't know about the snake then), I planned a fall festival at our first church and also at our second church. I organized a neighborhood luminary event at Christmas. I was actually outgoing and willing to do stuff. Hubby didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but as we were talking he commented on how much I've changed. The way it came out meant " a bad way." I was silent for a few minutes as I ruminated on that. I have changed, I know I have. But our last church just destroyed me and when we came back to this church, where the people already knew and accepted me (for the most part) I hid my light, so to speak, soothing my open wounds. Only my light never came back on.

About a year ago I tried very hard to live my life by saying yes to things instead of no. I was fairly happy doing it, even though it took me completely out of my comfort zone and Hubby seemed genuinely happy with me, as I was with myself. But then I started working at this school and just got the living daylights thrashed out of my soul. All of my momentum just wasted away and I retreated into myself again.

But lately, as we have been contemplating and preparing for our move and my days at this school become numbered, something has been happening to me. I have no job, no job prospects, a church that seems like they are just going to swarm and overtake my family and I'm leaving behind some really good friends. But still...I have this feeling. I have this sensation of pressure pushing up and out of my chest, kind of like the grinch when his heart grew big. It's a real physical feeling and I think it might be...hope. It's been so long since I have felt it that I am a little lost and unsure. But I just feel like this move is going to change so many things for me and release me from so many things. It's a little overwhelming.

So once again I have started trying to say yes instead of no. Hubby read my last post about the married man and made an alarmed comment. He looked at me and, with his hands up in the air, said, "Wait, is that why you have been so nice and loving towards me lately? Because you've been thinking about him?" Once again I was hurt. I was really just trying to be more open and make a change, but the fact that Hubby thought I could only be nice because I was feeling guilty or fantasizing about another man really cut me to the core. I reallly have fallen far. But no more.

I guess it is like my guitar. I have wanted it for so long. I see it everyday even though I only have time to practice once or twice a week. But it is there, waiting for me to make the choice to pick it up and fulfill a dream. I can let it sit in the corner and get hopelessly out of tune or I can let it fill my soul and make me happy. Maybe it will even let me sing again.

I guess it all boils down to this-what happens next in my life is up to me. The choice is mine.


Green said...

You know, I think when things we do are appreciated, it makes us feel good to do for others. But when people demand our time, our energy, our skills, we just feel used and not good about what we did.

I don't think it's about saying yes instead of saying no. I think it's more about getting everyone to get excited about YOUR ideas rather than having others push you into carrying out their ideas.

Jeannie said...

I have to admit to closing up shop when it comes to others too. Churches are hard places. They are supposed to be like the arms of Jesus in a hurting world, gathering them in and healing them, but they are not - perhaps for some who click - but not for others. In fact, they can do a lot of damage.

I hope your new church doesn't overwhelm your new hope. Try to be honest if that's possible and ask for space when you need it.

cbrks12 said...

I retreat like that when I am hurt by something. I guess I have never really looked at it like you just did and wow...that is really thought provoking. That said...I am sorry that your husband read your words and said something that may have hurt you. But I thank you for writing it because like many of your posts lately -- it really reached me. Keep persuing this path - you're on the right one!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like your openness triggered some openness in hubby - that he's afraid of the change too; and expressed his fears of losing you. I think if you've been more loving its because of being free, or soon to be free of an environment that was not only stifling but wounding to the core in its selfishness and issues.
Change is a double edged sword as we long for things to be different and fear the changes being same issue new faces. Some people never leave their comfort zone because of fear of loss and regret. Sometimes what life gives is too much and not enough at the same time.

Anonymous said...

I think my anon comment was as much for me, as for you. Maybe you ought to look at your comments and see them from the perspective that 'this wasn't left for me, as much as it was left for the writer to ponder their world' meaning your freedom to express your ideas, and bits of your world is an environment for the readers growth. For us to read you and look at what it means to our lives.

charli-tan said...

I think what you are describing is being "burnt out". Plain and simple. Especially with the good feelings in terms of the change.

I just posted an entire entry on my LJ regarding choices and the control they give us over our lives.

Anonymous said...

I agree with what Green said. It's ok to do things for others, but it has to be for you too. I think it's not you being less giving, but having given you didn't get what you needed in return.

And it's ok to pull back. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just means that maybe your previous persona was more about external validation than something that nurtured and fulfilled you.

Change is good. It sounds like you were in a negative-rut-dead-end where you were; but wherever you are, sustainable happiness needs to come from something you find within yourself. Not too cliche, I hope.

And don't let the herd at the new place trample you-


Bubblewench said...

I know how that feels.

It can be scary to start feeling ok to say yes. But remember that the most important person is you and your happiness, comfort, etc, is more important then a yes sometimes. :)

I learned the hard way.