I have been really thinking hard about what I want out of life when we move. Right now I live in a city of about 130,000 people that swells to 250,000 in the summer from tourists. Traffic is so bad that we cannot walk or ride our bikes anywhere safely and our church is 8 miles away from our house. When we move, E's school will be two blocks away and the church will be .9 miles from the parsonage and the downtown area and NO busy roads. Our lifestyle is going to drastically change because of this, but also because Hubby is not getting a huge raise and money will be tight if I can't find a job. Realistically I only need to make $8,000 a year to live the same way we are now and still put a few hundred dollars a month away, so I am hoping I can find a part-time job that allows me to change the way my life has been. I'm looking forward to living simply.
So here is what I want out of my new life:
- I want time to attend water aerobic or yoga classes at least 3 times a week.
- I want time to learn to play my guitar.
- I want time to really try to sell my children's stories. I sent them out to several publishers and actually got a personal ding letter giving me a few suggestions. (I know it was a ding, but the personal part gave me hope.)
- I want to volunteer in E's school once a week.
- I want a garden and to cook from scratch more.
All of these things don't seem like much to you, I am sure. But I am the woman who puts everyone else's needs before mine. Even when I don't want to, I do. It's a sickness. I have this disease called "Overly-Responsible-Enabilitis." It was driven home to me on Sunday when I was at church. The person who was supposed to take over church nursery duties for me (I watch nursery during Sunday School) never showed up. I kept telling people that I could not stay in the nursery because the choir needed me to sing, that someone else had to do it. Plus, I didn't want to do it because the church needs to stop relying on me to fill the gaps because in a few short weeks, all of those gaps are going to become damaging cracks. But no one would help out. And I ended up in nursery for the service because if I didn't do it, the person who was going to do children's church (which E attends) wouldn't have been able to do it because she would have taken her son hom. And the choir had to change songs 5 minutes before the service because they didn't have me. It was hell for someone with ORE.
Plus, part of me wonders why I should be allowed to have this life when so many other people don't. What makes me special? Damned low self-esteem. But then I circle back to "am I really asking for all that much?"
Does anyone know of a cure for ORE?