Sunday, May 10, 2009

The Anti-Mother Post

On the day I turned 30, I suffered from my first miscarriage. It was sad and painful, but I was okay with it because I had been warned from the time I was 18 that maintaining a pregnancy might be difficult for me. I figured one was allowable. That's what I told myself. But Mother's Day came just 2 short weeks later and the cards and Hallmark commercials and people taking their moms out to dinner was just more than I could bear. I realized just how sad Mother's Day made me.

I became pregnant again that August and lost that baby in the end of October. This time there was no 2 week feeling of it being okay. The pain and sorrow was instantaneous. It was especially painful when we went home to Hubby's family for Thanksgiving and someone innocently asked "So, when do you plan on having kids?" Ouch!

And then, the day I came home from my grandmother's funeral, returning from a long 5 days in England, Hubby and I got pregnant on Feb. 25th. It was accidental, completely impossible if you believed my cycle and terrifying. I was in tears when I took the test in April because Hubby was visiting his family and I was all alone when the test made it official. Being pregnant again so soon and being all alone, just knowing I would lose this one as well...well, I was heartbroken. Mother's Day just seemed a day to rub it in that I was only going to be a mother until the 10 week mark and then I would lose this one, too. Only I didn't lose this one. This one survived my mean and nasty womb. Survived her irregular heart, survived my post-partum depression and thrived. This one became E.

But I never forgot just how painful those two Mother's Days were. And I know that there are other women out there right now who have given up their biological children, lost children to miscarriage or abortion, lost children to illness or accident or just been unable to become pregnant. And I know how they feel.

So, I will not give those women trite phrases designed to make them feel better or brush off their pain. But if you are one of those women reading this right now, you are not forgotten. You are in my heart and I am thinking of you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My sister suffered from multiple miscarriages for a decade before finally being able to carry twins to terms - during birth, she nearly died due to pre-eclampsia, gestitional diabetes and her uterus was removed due to fused placenta. I always believed some superior force took pity on her and decided she should have not one but two babies knowing it would be all she could have. Having seen her cry inconsolably each time she miscarried, I was thrilled beyond belief to see her have her twins. I feel for those who are unable to carry babies to term or unable to get pregnant at all.