Saturday, February 21, 2009

How to Kill LIMW or Stupid Human Tricks

Take one LIMW and place her into a Montessori Preschool classroom.

Have LIMW put out soap grating work for adorable wee ones. Make sure to use IVORY soap.

Have LIMW clean up soap shavings left everywhere by adorable wee ones in their grating glee.

While cleaning, have LIMW accidentally inhale soap shavings, sneeze hard and breathe in a giant lung full of finely ground IVORY soap.

On same day, leave to go out of town and forget until LIMW is on the longest, loneliest stretch of the interstate that she is highly ALLERGIC to IVORY soap. What causes her to remember that she is allergic to IVORY soap? Could it possibly be the sudden inability to, oh, I don't know, BREATHE!!!?? Could it be the delayed anaphylactic shock that suddenly came on and caused her throat to close up and her lungs to wheeze when her body realized it had been hit with a dose its most hated allergen?

Thankfully Hubby had his emergency allergy meds on him and I took one, but all last night at the hotel I kept feeling like I was drowning and every time I finally fell asleep, I would wake myself up because my lungs would squeak.

Yes, I really am allergic to Ivory soap. I'm also allergic to Dreft, which I found out the hard way when E was nursing and I developed a third degree burn below my breast where her clothes rested on my skin. That was fun, too.

But, while out of town, we did stop at an interstate rest area where E and I walked in on two obvious hookers and a female john. Both of the hookers were wearing such shockingly dayglo blue skin tight dance pants that I actually stopped in my tracks because I was blinded by the color. Ah, the lovely life lessons E gets to learn at public rest areas.

But, all in all, I lived. I'm blind, wheezing and raspy, but I'm okay.

4 comments:

FreeDragon said...

I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but I laughed out loud reading your post, especially about the hookers ;)
Seriously, hope you get out that soap out (no pun intended)

Anonymous said...

Now that's a much better story than hubby's version of "she doesn't have the whooping cough but she sounds like she has the whooping cough." I would have totally understood "She forgot she was deathly allergic to Ivory soap and accidently inhaled a large quantity."
Assassin (but you probably knew that)

Anonymous said...

I get messed up by cologne, perfume and cigarette smoke. My eyes water, my nose runs like a liquid river that if nothing is near to mop it up will drip all over anything in its way. I will cough for several hours later and my lips swell. So not quite as bad as yours but boy can I sympathize. I also discovered Tide would make me break out in red itchy bumps. Given the choice I buy non smelling softeners and laundry soap and cheer doesn't seem to make me ill. Though the first night of sleeping on freshly laundered sheets makes me sneeze all night long.
I really enjoy reading your blog.
K in the Sonoran desert.

Michelle said...

I am super allergic to Ivory soap too. I have scars on my legs from where I itched myself until I bled after using it last summer.
Glad you are okay!