Sunday, March 8, 2009

If by Rudyard Kipling

"If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise...."

I have a doctor's appointment today. I have officially been sick now since Christmas Eve. I have varying degrees of sickness, but I have felt bad for too long. Last night I ended up with at high fever and chills. I know that was the flu since 11 of my 20 kids were out today with the flu, but the other stuff has been lingering too long.

So why haven't I gone to the doctor before this you ask? Because I am scared. I have three nodules in my lungs. They have been x-rayed three times and each time they have been determined to be fibrous, most likely scar tissue from my accident or the severe Legionella pneumonia I had from the Black Mold at our last parsonage. Each doctor tells me not to worry. But I do. What if? I haven't talked to my new doctor about my fears, and unfortunately I am not seeing him today, but I am seeing him for my yearly physical at the end of this month. I am seeing someone in his practice who will probably give me an antibiotic for this crud I have had and I'll be fine. But those nodules are still there...taunting me.

And the poem, that's just there for me. I feel like I am in some strange alternate reality right now. We're leaving, but the church is begging the powers that be to keep us. We can't say anything to people because they try to interpret hidden meanings in what we say or, worse yet, they hear what they want to hear and cling so desperately to it, that we can cause real damage if we mispeak. I didn't grow up in the church. I am struggling to understand this hysteria at losing a pastor. I love my husband (even if he did make me sit outside with a 101 degree fever watching E so he could watch a basketball game) and I think he's a good pastor, but he's not the only pastor in the world. People are acting like, well, like he's...if I say it he'll get mad but it starts with a capital G. It's just all too bizarre.

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully full of meds that make me feel human again and I'll be able to write something more upbeat and fun.


Bubblewench said...

WOW! I really hope you feel better!

And at the risk of sounding 'preachy' Don't be afraid of the doc... get yourself checked out. Please. We want you around a long long time... and the longer you ignore it.. well, who knows. Could be nothing anyway.

Sending love and hugs your way. I know it's a rough time all the way around.

Jeannie said...

Like Joni Mitchell said: You don't know what you got till it's gone.

They are sowing what they've reaped.

You are probably sick partly because you are stressed. It's been a bad winter around here for a lot of people just not feeling well.