Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Place Where it All Began

Hi there.

I've been absent.

I know.

My life is pretty boring right now. Except for the continuous battle against the lice, which now extends to E's best friend (but still not me or her...yet)...and Hubby meeting with E's guidance counselor to discuss the idiocy of removing E from class during math to go to the Academically Gifted program for writing but failing to tell us about it and leave us wondering why no one can answer our questions as to why my brilliantly intelligent child is failing math. DUH! She kind of needs to be in the math lesson to learn how to do the math, one would think. But that's all small stuff that is what makes up life. If she gets lice, she gets lice. I am teaching her math and she still gets to go to her AIG class. It's all good.

The Topamax has taken my creative muse. My wanderlust, for the first time in my memory, is gone. There is no sense of angst, restlessness, or lost soul wandering loose in me. I haven't been able to write or create, and I don't even really have a desire to sing. I know this should be creating a sense of panic in me, really. But it doesn't. I have completely hidden a huge chunk of my personality, an important part of what makes up who I am and yet, I am at peace for the fist time in a very long time.

I think if I thought this was going to be permanent, I might worry. After all, I have aligned myself with the arts my entire adult life I have always been a tethered soul struggling to break free. I've always had 12,000 stories going on in my head and 12,001 ideas that I wanted to pursue calling my name. I only have about 6 more months on the medicine and then it will all go back to the way it was. But for now, I am breathing. Just....breathing.

Hubby and I went to the restaurant where our married life began. We had our reception there, we decided to get married in this town while eating dinner there, we have had several anniversaries there. Tonight, we went there on a whim. I was feeling light-hearted and free and Hubby got a glimpse of the girl he married. I made up stories about three other couples who were also eating dinner at the restaurant. There was Cro-Magnon man and Dainty Girl, the Inter-racial couple on their third (you know what that means) date and then the "Why is she married to him?" couple. I haven't done that with Hubby in years. And we had fun. And for as much as I am not me any more, or right now, I was the me that I was when I was the me that I am. And I miss that me, a lot.

So you'll excuse me if my posts are not as frequent or as entertaining. Bear with me, please. I will go back to normal. But you know what? I think, in some small way, my soul is healing some ancient wounds and instead if fighting it and derailing myself the way I always do when it comes to taking care of myself, I am going with it and finding out just where this rabbit hole leads.

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