I've been finding it hard to blog lately. There's a lot of reasons why. One is the Topamax. I really feel numb all over it from it. I appreciate that it calms people down, but I really didn't need to be made any calmer. Although I am thankful that the eye tracking problem Topamax causes has resolved itself. I would turn my head and it would take a second or two for my eyes to follow. That was a little offsetting. I had to back off on the dosage because it was making me so sick. I did lose 8 pounds, however. The weight loss stopped, so last night I went back up to the prescribed dose. We'll see how I do. The doctor eventually wants to get me up to 100 mg and I only just took 50 mg last night.
But the real reason I have been reluctant to blog is because something significant has been happening between Hubby and I lately and it is in an area I never blog about, our sex life. Most people don't like to think of pastors having sex. So, if you are one of those people, stop reading here. Although this is not about the hows as much as the whys.
I was raised in a fairly open family (remember the condom candy bowl idea?) I was not a sexually promiscuous person, but I wasn't afraid of it either. Hubby and I always had a good sex life and we are a normal couple, I think. But the past couple of years, everything seemed to get in the way of sex. We were too busy, one of us had to work, there was something on tv we wanted to watch and then we were too tired. Sex was getting farther and farther apart. We just weren't making it a priority. And other things were happening, too. Hubby would sit on the couch and I would curl up in my blue comfy chair all night. I would leave the house and forget to kiss Hubby goodbye. Hubby would call me on the phone less and less. Our relationship just wasn't as close. It was still good, it just wasn't as close.
Then Hubby went away for 8 days. He went away for business and for some purposeful soul searching, but I had already been doing some soul searching as well. Was I eating to fill a need that wasn't getting filled? Was my angst and loss of self coming from an imbalance in my relationship with the man I love more than anyone else in the world? Where were we missing pieces in our relationship when we had worked so hard this past year to rebuild our marriage that we had almost lost? It all came back to sex.
The lack of sex is mostly my fault. As I have gained weight, I have become more and more reluctant to participate, embarrassed by my body. Hubby would ask and I would say no and he would ask less and less and I would feel rejected when I wanted him to ask and he wouldn't. But why should he? He was tired of being rejected, too.
But remember my vow to say yes more to life than no? I decided to try that with sex as well. Hubby returned from his retreat and I said yes every time he asked. And when he realized what I was doing, he asked a lot. (I think he wants to drink as much water as he can before the well runs dry, because, knowing me, it will probably run dry.) Sometimes I wasn't necessarily interested, but I still said yes. Most times I was. In fact, the more I said yes, the more I wanted to say yes the next time.
And things started happening. I lost most of that weight I mentioned earlier before I started the Topamax. I wasn't eating as much to soothe myself. Hubby started putting his hand on the small of my back when we walked through a doorway (remember those days?). We stole small kisses all day long. When he called me, I could hear him smile. We turned off the tv and talked. We felt closer to each other. We felt connected in a way that we haven't felt for years. I know that I am the one who has done the most changing and that it was me causing our sex life to stutter and falter, but the change I see in my Hubby is amazing and encouraging and makes me feel sad that I spent so much time saying no.
So, I am sorry if this was inappapropriate blog fodder for some of you, but I am one of those writers who obsess about things and have to get things out of my head before I move on. And by the way, this post has been approved by Hubby, which really surprised me.